Usually I’ll wake up, check my phone for random notifications or updates on games that I fell asleep watching the night before. Did my Cards lose again or my 49ers finish the game out strong? The morning of December 6th was different.

That morning, I would be woken up by a text by my baby sister. “Pray for Kenzie!!!! Now please” I almost immediately knew something was terribly wrong. In the most reverent and fervent prayer my heart could muster, I prayed for baby Kenzie. That she would be protected. That Kayla and Trevor would be watched and loved. You never want your mind to wander in these situations. It doesn’t take long to imagine the worst. Unfortunately for everyone, it was.

I quickly got dressed and went downstairs where Dad was sitting on the couch. He happened to be traveling to Kentucky that week. The Christmas tree lights were the only lights on. He told me that Kenzie was in an ambulance and already on the way to the hospital and that she was unresponsive. I still do not believe it. We anxiously waited to get the next update.

As we waited, I went to tell Ashlyn. She came down as we waited to for news. At this point, it did not feel like the news was going to be good. We sat and waited. Dad insisted that I “should go to work and that there’s nothing I can do.” I immediately shut that down. There was no way I was leaving. It must’ve been 30 or 40 minutes before the call came. Kenzie was gone.

I immediately started weeping. Ashlyn and dad were too. I fell into dad’s arms as we wept together. I don’t think we have ever wept together or seen each other weep like that before. I will never forget how tender that moment was. Mourn with those that mourn. I knew dad’s relationship with MacDaddy was special. He lost one of his best friends.

We had our moment in the morning. Soon we needed to get the kids to school, dad back to the airport to fly back, and so on. That day brought many emotions. First was thoughts of deep sadness for Kayla and Trevor. Because Kentucky is so far, our relationship with Kenzie was mostly through FaceTime. Because of that most of my mourning was for my little sister and brother.

I remember the next day, coming home from Caleb’s basketball practice. I was just in the car sitting in the driveway. I didn’t want to go inside. Inside waiting for me was my babies. I can’t look at them without thinking about the idea of losing them. Knowing that was the forever reality of Kayla and Trevor left me sobbing.

I had a tender phone call with Corey. Corey was struggling. His connection as Uncle Coco was one I envy truthfully. He is an amazing uncle. That only made it more difficult for him. As we discussed our thoughts and feeling, we determined that we would be a better and more connected family. This wouldn’t be something we did “for Kenzie” but rather something we would do “because of Kenzie.” Because she was so loving, we will love bigger. Because she was perfect, we should strive to be perfect. We will be a stronger family because of her example.

Although the first few days were emotional, I didn’t really feel sorry for Kenzie. I probably should have a little bit but for some reason I didn’t. I would feel the impression that she was safe. She didn’t need the experiences of this world. She wasn’t going to be missing out of anything. She served her mission completely. I found great comfort in that. A feeling I didn’t expect.

My worry turned to Kayla? How is she doing? How can I help? What do I say? We would FaceTime but it was clear that the emotions were exhausting them. My whole body hurt for them. I just wanted to make clear that we loved them and that we’re there for them. Those calls were really difficult.

Once we knew when the funeral was going to happen, we knew we had to make it. We wanted to be there, we had to be there. But that week was difficult. Obviously emotional trauma of losing a little niece was there but we also had a sink leak, a shower break, a washing machine break, and the timing belt go out on the van. All in a few days before we were supposed to leave. When it rains it pours. Still these minor inconveniences were nothing compared to losing our Kenzie.

Even though traveling to Idaho was much more eventful than we wanted it to be, getting there was such a relief. I tried to prepare myself for the embrace with Kayla Trevor. I knew it was something I needed for some weird reason one of course they’re hurt was so much deeper. I remember walking into the living room to see them. I will never forget the hugs. I don’t remember the words that were said but it doesn’t matter. Just that feeling of being together, recognizing things will never be the same and also reassuring that we will always have each other’s back. No. Matter. What.

The funeral. It was a day all of us were dreading. For the few days we were together before the funeral, we had moments, shared tears and hugs, saw so many people, family and friends but we all felt that Friday was going to be different. Hard. Real. Final. Getting to the church and seeing all the beautiful pictures started what had to be 15 rounds of tears. There was just a heavenly feeling I had while just looking at the pictures. She was always an angel.

The viewing was another beautiful experience. But seeing Kayla and Trevor have to go through their loss every time another person got to the front of the line was difficult. Kenzie was so beautiful. Seeing her lying there was really hard. It was a feeling of finality. She seemed so peaceful. A got a sense that she lived a life without regret, without fear.

The funeral service was amazing. Mom and dad did so well at showing what Kenzie was all about. Her loves, her family, her joys. She was a firecracker. The tears and emotions flowed throughout. Trevor and Kayla’s part was special. Their strength was so evident. Part of what has made this so hard for me is that it’s happening to my little baby sister. I worry about her. How she will cope and learn to love again. Kayla’s strength shocked me honestly. But it was so clear that she had the perspective required to not just move on, but be even stronger in her faith. That was so empowering. The Spirit bore witness to me that this wasn’t going to be something that destroyed this family but will make them even more fortified.

These experiences are were our faith our tested. Do I believe in heaven? Where do we go after this life? How could this happen to such a beautiful baby girl? Does the Atonement work? Can I tap into it?

Since Kenzie’s passing, I have been so impressed with Kayla and Trevor. Their faith, perspective, and love for the Savior is inspiring. At a time when they should be inconsolable, they served as a shining example. I love them so much.

Kayla and Trevor, I want you to know that I love you. I love Kenzie. I want to be better because of her. I want to be worthy of her angelic presence when I or my family need her. I have already felt her presence at times already. I know she is watching over you and your sweet babies. Part of her eternal mission is to protect you. I know our Savior’s Atonement is there to help you through. He knows exactly how you feel and as you rely on him, your burdens will be lightened, even though they probably will never go away fully. I love you Kayla and Trevor.

I love you Kenzie! You are my sunshine!